Have you noticed how a slither of sunlight can turn the most ordinary thing into an unseen beauty?
I have been listening to the soft whispers of the falling rain today. Letting the gentleness of earth’s gift wash into my wounded places. My vulnerability is aching to be nourished, heard and brought safely out into the light after a tender time. This shaking land of the long white cloud is shaking up all I bury. Mother Earth is restless and impatient.
And so today I honour all the parts of myself that are afraid to be seen, heard, and judged. The parts I don’t often allow to surface, the parts that are constantly kept in that murkiness of deep judgement water by fear, pain and that deeply turbulent emotion shame.
It’s time to let them rise, gently, so nothing is broken open with force. It’s time to walk into freedom through the crack in the light.
I admit, I have been afraid to deal with these buried parts. My stubborn nature echoing the sentiments of a socialised conditioning. Why go there? It’s gone, in the past, dealt with, why bring up old wounds? My mind questions but my heart innately knows: that it is these very emotions that I avoid, that hold the key to my emotional freedom, health and wellbeing.
The act of burying emotion, though helpful at times for our survival, is the catalyst for falling out of love with ourselves.
You see, I cannot be authentically me without embracing all of me. And all of me is not beautiful. I have dark places that need to be acknowledged and dusty crevices that need to be swept out with a loving hand. I am an imperfect human being. Like everything in this world, I am a duality. A blend of polarities. Empty darkness and penetrating light. If I want to truly and deeply love others I need to truly and deeply love myself. My whole self.
And that is why I want my imperfections to be lit.. So that I can see them and bring them into wholeness.with me.
As the wise sufi mystic Rumi wrote : “Both Light and Shadow are the dance of love “
It is very hard for some to accept their own shadow. I have difficulty with this too, despite having spent very many years unlearning the dogmatic beliefs of a childhood in an insular community, I struggle. This is hardly surprising when we are beset with institutionalised belief systems which hold their foundation in judgement. We are taught to suppress what is bad for fear of judgement and this singular thing is wholly destroying our world.
It is only when we hide and subvert our emotions that we grow hate. Hate grows best buried in the dark, it’s moistened and fertilised by fear and shame.
The birthing of self-hatred is often unconscious, beginning with the suppression of shame and evolving on our earthly plane in catastrophic and destructive ways. Most don’t even recognise self-hatred in themselves, they simply lash out at the world and don’t know why. The hurting hurt.
If we can not be at peace with ourselves, why are we surprised that the world is not at peace ?
It’s time for us to turn inward.
This is the the most courageous thing we can do for ourselvesSelf love is built by inward acceptance. It’s the key to finding our treasure. To finding the parts of us that we perceive as lost.
There are times when we feel a great emptiness, so we search. We search the faces of others, we look on top of mountains, we search in beliefs, work places, we dive to great depths but alas we discover that the emptiness prevails and we are disheartened. That is because we are searching in the wrong places.
I have looked inside, yes on my mat, in stillness, or on a forest walk, or sitting at the waters edge and I have discovered that:
I am here, all of me is here. No need to look outward. I am buried. Within.
Allowing myself to be seen and heard in absolute truth excavates the missing parts.
Speaking my heart even when I know that my words may not be welcome, wanted, seen or appreciated embraces the right of my voice to be heard.
We all have right to be heard. We are all valuable.
I am holding my own hand now and climbing the mountain of courage. Surrendering the parts of me that are afraid and unworthy into the divine flow of this imperceptible yet tangible force of consciousness which creates all. This is a journey I must walk alone, for only I can look at my inner self. Although truth knows that at our deepest essence, we are never alone, but all one.
The divine paradox.
How others react to our heart and spirit, our wholeness , is their choice. They are free to be kind, cruel, judgemental or indifferent. They may love us or hate us. Their reactions do not reflect us.
We only mirror ourselves.
We all make mistakes as we walk this journey, and those mistakes are valuable teachers.
I will no longer allow the world to know only one side of me, the parts that I myself judge as worthy of presence. Who am I to judge what the world sees? What illusion am I perpetuating?
By judging myself, I am implicitly judging each and everyone of you. My suppression becomes your suppression.
But when I bring those parts of me that are vulnerable, ashamed, or perceptively unlovable into the light, I bring your vulnerability, and shame into freedom with me. I allow a space for opening. By seeing my whole uncensored truth, you become less afraid of yours.
Yes, today I dance with vulnerability. I allow myself to cry, be in anger, sit with shame. Even guilt is my teacher, showing me a better way to be.
These mislabelled “negative emotions” are simply teachers. They are our inbuilt moral compass. They are there for a very valuable reason, there is no need to reject them. They are like little lights on a pathway, guiding us in which direction to move. Always leaving the choice up to us.
Each and every one of us possess an extraordinary alchemical power of transformation.
So lets take full responsibility for our whole selves. Lets be:
Open, Free. Courageous. Resolute in vulnerability. Fully accepting of all aspects of ourselves. Forgiving, unashamed and whole.
I am loving all my unlovable places.
Let healing seep into your buried spaces and show you how to love yours too..
Let salt water tears wash away all the assumptions we make about ourselves.
Let Mother Earth’s rain pour love onto our wounds as we hold them up to Father Sky’s light.
Together. Alone. All One.
We can transform our darkest places into an indelible beauty.
Much love,
Gwen B (C)
Sakura by Nina Beilby (C)
